| ugh today wasnt that great |
[Dec. 2nd, 2006|07:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | cartel-minstrel's prayer | ] |
hey again everybody....i had a shitty morning. when i woke up i had this punding headache and then i ended up getting sick and falling asleep until 3 in the afternoon....it's going by too slow. i should go searching for a job like tomorrow. i was supposed to go today but i didnt feel well so i decided not to. instead i stayed home and made brownies....delicious but they're for someone else so i can't eat them. i think i'm going to the school monday so i can see about withdrawing from the rest of this year....i hope i can. the last place i want to be right now is school. krys and i went to springfield mall yesterday and walked around for a bit. i hadnt been there in forever but not much has changed, certainly bigger than marley station....well no one i knew was there so i was glad. i got pissed off in the bathroom when i caught a glimpse of myslef in the mirror. i just stopped and went 'damn ashliegh! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO U?' so i just walked out with out going to the bathroom. i knew if i looked that bad with clothes on i sure as hell wasnt about to see me even partially undressed....but that was just a moment where i hated myself, no biggy. well i'm waiting for something right now so i'm gonna go sit and wait for it....write sometime later. |
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| *i look at all the nosy people* |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|09:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
sorry some of my entries r now posted as private but apparently someone cant help but put there entire face into my life....u kno at first i understood it so i didnt get mad at it but now, now this is all fukking ridiculous. completely blown out of proportion and i guess if thats the way it's gonna be ima have to step out of the proportionate area and be as much of a hard ass as possible....sure i kno who my real friends are and i thank them for being so kind to me but i also kno some people who r willing to stand behind me when i'm an inch away from the edge of a fukking cliff and give me a little nudge in the forward direction. if ur reading this i hope u understand that i'm getting sik and tired of these bullshit preschool games....if ur gonna do something than just fukking do it. not like i havnt been through enough already so dont expect any great response because i wont be pissed at what u do no i'm already pissed and i've been pissed that u have to be so god damn overdramatic....i hate bad liars....if ur gonna lie make sure i believe it for christ sakes and stop throwing ur anger on others. i'm the one ur pissed at,come after me and leave everyone else who doesnt want to hear ur bullshit out of it....i want to hear it, atleast then i kno who i'm aiming for. JUST FUKKING GROW UP ALREADY!!!! |
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| where is fancy bread? in the heart or in the head? |
[Nov. 28th, 2006|12:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | plus 44-make u smile | ] |
christ i hate this shit so fucking much. why the fuck won't she talk to me and tell me exactly what i did wrong? why does she have to be so god damn immature and avoid me like the plague? it's not like i can help the problem if she wont even fucking talk to me....i'm not gonna just sit around and wait for something extremely tragic to happen to finally find out what the fuck is wrong with her....i dont want to be stepped on anymore. i dont want to be lied to anymore about why people are mad at me....why cant they just stand up and tell me. any decent person would do that. for christ sakes she's fuckin 2 years older than i am and still wont act mature about this situation. she said she wouldnt care if i did something like this. she said she didnt see a reason for getting mad at me....so y the fuck is she mad at me? why the fuck am i the one left in the dark when apparently i'm the fucking problem? somebody just fukking tell me before i run off and do something drastic to make her talk to me....is that what i have to do? do i have to knock on her window at 2 in the morning,bash her on the head with a hammer and leave a note for when she wakes up or stay there till she does wake up? do i have to do something like that? it's bullshit, 4th grade bullshit. if she really cared about him she wouldnt have treated him the way she did....she wouldnt have pushed him away when he wanted her. he moved on, get the fuk over it, atleast he's off ur nuts just like u wanted....christ i hate being pissed off andno one to vent to except this damn journal that no one reads except my brother....i hate this i really do. |
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| ....do u think i'm unhappy?.... |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|01:25 pm] |
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brandon came up this weekend and he knows my situaution right now and actually understands it which makes me happy....thi next month is desperate as hell because it seems i'm in this alone....no one wants this, me the most....i have to put my mind on something else besides this....work on something else and forget....hard to forget and hard to not notice what someday will become obvious if i dont take care of it....christ i just wish this thing would go away....vodka does the trick.... |
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| i kno it's been awhile.... |
[Sep. 13th, 2006|11:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | AFI | ] |
sorry but i have been living without the internet for awhile....it doesnt really bother me that much though....i didnt go to school today because i didnt want to. it sucks anyway because....well i dont kno. brandon is probably going to be mad at me for not using capitals but i dont care. i have to do a paper on the death penalty whether i am for or against and i am for it all the way. i'm going to compare it to the euthanization of vicious animals and how their "death panelty" can take a minimum of 72 hours where as a humans death penalty can take years....sounds like a good argument....i guess....i have to work today....my boss saw mw waiting for the bus and wanted me to come in early and i was like "NO!" so he left me alone....party this weekend....not sure where but we are drinking and it sounds good....last time i drank i had to chase my friend down the street....not fun....hopefully i'll have fun this time....i see mary tomorrow and she's gonna wonder why the hell i have already missed 3 days of school. she hates it when i miss school. i just dont want to go but i dont want to drop out because then all these years will have been wasted....maybe i'll just die....sounds good enough....my friend told me i was self-absorbed and irresponsible. I KNOW THAT! she wonders how i can let things go so easily and why everything that comes out of my mouth is completely sarcastic....i wish they had a book on how to live. |
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| gradually and then suddenly |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|01:23 pm] |
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these past few weeks have been rather hard to say the least....recent thoughts have me paranoid and i cant stand this no self-mutilation bullshit because i need it....its like a drug for me....it keeps me going....thought about dying so much lately and i hope i dont get and impulse and do it....ears are ringing like crazy....something is up i kno it but what? i love ray liotta off of good fellas he his a hott man even when he's doing coke....btu that was off topic....ashliegh get ready for a life of sex drugs and the occasional breakdown....i wish i was like i was whne i was 12....giving blow jobs to everybody....being a whore made me feel like i belonged and back then more of what i did gave me a reason to do what i am doing now....back in the day i was free....this sux |
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| atleats i still kno what time it is |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|02:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | third eye blind "semi-charmed life' | ] |
so heres the appointment with the pill shrink today....got there with a coffee and went into the office. sat down and lied my ass off....ashliegh doesn't want any help....couldnt tell him the truth, mom was sitting there....overwhelmed and sadly not impressed with my ability to lie because i'll never get better....timmy says i dont need to and made me tell the man i didnt want meds and i started crying<----pathetic bitch i am....but anyway how does it sound to go into a hospital for the summer/ sounds ok to me
bruce is drinking again and smoking pot....got my nails done and listened to a chinese women talk on the phone....fascinating
what am i doing now....waiting for brandon to visit me.... |
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| 19 days till i'm 16 |
[Mar. 11th, 2006|10:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | full | ] |
| [ | music |
| | VAC "phucking phreak" | ] |
so i have only a couple weeks left till i turn 16 years old....fukking 16 man and i don't kno wut to do....still 2 years till i can do something about myself....argh damn the weirzbicki and his tai chi....jk he's a great teacher....makes me think about stuff. tell me why a govt class teaches you about space and science and monks....i'm not complaining just asking....i'm not trying to get attention. just distract them |
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| i know i know....where have i been? |
[Mar. 1st, 2006|03:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ministry | ] |
to tell you the truth i don't rightly know that at this point....kind of dizzy....so here is what has happened (we'll stick to major events & please pardon if i stray away)
so i've been going to school trying to get the future inline....ok grades not the best....must do better. i have a boyfriend now....his name is "doug" hehe *inside joke* and bruce is trying to recover after going on another 6 day drinking binge(13 bottles of rum in 6 days) WOW!!!! stole the rum got drunk barfed at walgreens....went to the hospital for chest pains and they say its anxiety....stopped with the meds...pissed ata friend....i can't type! march 3 is coming up....hope i'm happy:) 16th b-day is coming up and the white people in this library make me sick....whores....sorry where was i? ummmmm....this chick has a comb in her hair and it looks retarded....argh!!!! found a new love for soup....and still obsessed with my gemme(she's all over my walls) that sexy thing she is....i think i'm done....not much really but enough to keep u occupied |
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| dead today |
[Sep. 24th, 2005|03:56 pm] |
it smelled like straight death outside today and i became paranoid walking in brroklyn alone with a back pack full of money....thought i was gonna die but havn't yet....on meds....lithium which i havn't really been taking because i don't want to be better....i like this world...i'm more creative, more interesting....people like me cuz they think i'm weird....what am i supposed to do? run off and be completely different....forget about being depressed....stop cutting,not want to do drugs....be less morbid....i hate these people they are holding me back
i thought about killing myself the other day and tried to...shhh it was a silent attempt....another failed one obviously...sliced my wrist open, i should kno by now that doesn't work because it didn't work before why is it gonna work now? guess i'm stuk here a little longer....don't u hate it when someone asks u where u see urself in 10 years and u wanna say "ten feet under" but instead u make up a lie and tell them this magical story of a career and a studio apartment with two cats and a hell of a lot of alcohol....? i do that all the time even to my own mother....how sad am i? well i'm done gotta run |
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| soory about being dead for a little bit |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|02:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
what is the point in it right now....i always thought you were supposed to live for yourself not somebody else but that is what i am doing....i don't live for me,because i kno there is some reason i should that would benefit me....i live because of that person...the person who won't leave me alone....my mom. she throws guilt on me every day and i hate her for it....i told my therapist that if she died it would be easier for me to die because there would be no guilt....and she told my mom...asshole....i have failed myself over and over and over again and argh can never write what i am thinking. this is pointless. just fukking shoot me oky?
sorry about all the depression, i forgot my medication |
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| privacy policy |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|01:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | third eye blind | ] |
brandon and i cannot wait till we move and get our own rooms and i am ancy for the day to come....when i get my own room i am so busting out of this failure shell and am going to do what i wanted to do for the longest time....lose some fukking weight. brandon and i say that we eat soo much becaus e we get stressed living in a crowded house but when we move i am so going for it....go me, i'll have privacy for the first time in 2 YEARS. christ i can't wait....not much to say anymore
ashley, jaime and i ae gonna do interpretive dance to the third eye blind song "semi-charmed life" oh ya....
"a flaw a day takes living away" |
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| you get me closer to GOD |
[Jul. 2nd, 2005|03:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nine Inch Nails "closer" | ] |
trying to write in here more often then i usually do....life is weird right now and filled with liesto my mother and therapist....i havn't been being good, i havn't been doing as told...internal rebellion with myself and a shit load of self-criticism....
i havn't been feeling too good about myself, calling myself a lard ass and a piece of shit and trying my hardest not to eat whcih in the past 2 days i havn't had anything but 1 meal a day....it's a good start i guess but hopefully it'll stick....my ultimate goal weight is 75-70....yes to some it sounds sick but i'd do anything to get this flesh off of me. it's so deformed, so distorted, and so damn heavy....hehe
i'm having a love problem and it's nearly killing me. there is this guy and i love him sooo much and i always have. he is so kind, and funny, and i love the way he makes me feel inside. i practically break into panis attack when i don't ge to talk to him, probably all in my mind but it's not good. i wish i was still with him and maybe someday i'll have him again....all to myself....on a leash (JK)i'm just so damn afraid to see him, it's been almost 2 years since i have seen him and i want to this summer but whenever i think about seeing him i et nervouse, scared, think of the worst things that could happen....i swea i would fuk this man in a heartbeat if i ever had enough guts to take my shirt off in front of someone, i would screw till next year and then screw him some more....rub chocolate pudding all over him and eat him up, die in ecstacy with him...argh i am so horrible....<3 |
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| two long years |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|01:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | goo goo dolls "IRIS" | ] |
it's been more than 2 years since i have moved out of my step-dads house and just now in the midst of everything i get an attack from my mind....constantly beaming me with flash backs and images and thoughts of how i was such a dumb ass for not realizing it earlier. the nights when i would wake up without a shirt on or without pants and my dad would say"you took them off in your sleep" it hit me exactly how much shit he did to me....why now and why only bits and pieces....
terrible thought...i was thinking about killing my own mother, or wished that she would die. mainly because i don't want a guilt factor after i die....my own fukking mother and i want her to die. she lays all this guilt on me. saying things like "what am i gonna do when u move out?" and other things like "my biggest fear is that i will live longer than my children" she doesn't know the toll it takes on my mind. TImmy say things like "well you could kill her and then she would die before you....she shouldn't be afraid of it" what the hell is wrong with me and why am i getting all this shit shoved down my throat....PLEASE ASHLIEGH I REALLY BELIEVE THI MEDICATION WILL HELP YOU, YOU NEED TO GET BETTER, YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY, YOU'RE BRAIN IS NOT BALANCED, IT'LL TAKE A COUPLE MEDICATIONS BEFORE WE FIND ONE THAT WORKS....!WELL FUK YOUR DAMN MEDICATION, I AM NOT A FUKKING LAB RAT WHO YOU CAN RUN UR FUKKING TESTS ON AND TRY TO MAKE ME LIKE ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE.you tell me i wouldn't know wheni was better and may be afraid of the feeling of happiness because i have been like this all my life. THEN DOESN"T THAT MEAN THAT THIS IS HO I AM NO MATTER WHAT?! i hate this world so much somedays and i dont' think that some damn pill will change that....
"supported by your puppet strings" me |
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| my cat scratched my bube.... |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|10:27 am] |
sorry i havn't written in awhile but i forget about this damn thing...i have half an hour left on the computer and figured i'd say something in here....gonne get shit-faced tonite with stacey....so far this summer i hav done something everyday and even got paid on sunday because i went into work....george is a cool guy and is giving us a house....i have to go to therapy later and tell her my problems....i don't know what to say to her....someone quik think of a problem and make it fast so i can lie to this bitch....hehe....
FOOD WISE- summer sux becaus ei have nothing to keep me distracted and the damn kitchen is right upstairs, the first thing u see....my mom buys things like ice-cream, and banana bread mix, and pudding and i hate her for it but then again she does have to feed bruce....he's getting big and i think she should cut down on the food. i don't know how much i weigh simply because i don't want to step on that scale....i'm working on it and someday i'll be what i want to be....i'm hoping me getting my own room will help a litle bit considering i have no privacy when i want to exercise but when i do exercise it's pretty damn vigorouse, usually when brothers aren't home...stink stinky....
i think i'm done and ima get off soon because i'm tired and bored and gotta catch a fukking bus to go to therapy....
<3 wish me luck(brandon....FUK YOU!!!!)hehe |
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| i wish i could rip all my skin off and start over.... |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|06:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | silence | ] |
i hate this fukking body....i can't help but stare at it in every light and feel nothing but disgust for this body...."ashliegh u look like a whore, ur too fat, why r u such a fukking failure, i hate you so fukking bad that if i was you i wouldv'e have shot myself the day i learned how to fire a fukking gun....don't listen to me but i have had a sukky week mentally....why does no one admit that i am a fat fuk with an eating problem? i eat too fukking much and when i say no to myself i give in so easily becaus ei know i'm gonna fail....nothing ever hellps and nothing will ever teach me a lesson....i'll just have to run off and hide somewhere with a razor blade and start peeling myself away from head to toe....
"when the skin peels away you'll realize how ugly i am"
SO WHAT IF I SMOKE!!!!FUK U DAMN HEALTH TEACHERS AND UR ANTI-SMOKING SHIT
PICK UR FUKKING POISON!!!! |
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| "you could put my head on straight, but my mind would still be crooked" |
[May. 11th, 2005|03:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | velvet acid christ | ] |
havn't written anything in here in quite some time....nothing is ok right now. i am having trouble staying asleep and the dreams i have get more and more vivid. i felt fake again yesterday and didn't want to lose the feeling. it was nice to think for a moment that you are invisible and nothing can touch you.
i wish i wasn't so damn pretty to other people....i hate being so petite and "cute" argh....everything is changing shape and size and i swear i'm getting fatter and fatter as the days go by. no one wants to say it but i know they think it. some of them should just scream at me 'DEAR GOD ASHLIEGH YOU SHOULD JUST STOP EATING BEFORE YOU BECOME BIGGER THAN OPRAH!!!!' maybe i would listen then and maybe timmy would leave me alone for a little bit while i worked on what dott wants from me.melissa wants me medicated, i want me dead, my mom wants me happy, and the world wants me gone....where do i go from here, more or less where am i going now? i hate this............. |
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| fucking fat ass |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|03:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
bradley is a bitch and i hate him soo bad. he starts this rumor that diana is cheating on me and i just give him this stare. i know diana would never do that to me. sure she has a friend that i am all jealous of because they are really close. but she wouldn't do that to me. and then all these people in laurel have my ana xanga so now that is getting around and all this shit is just piling up on my shoulders and i need a strong ass drink or some fucking drugs right now. why does all this have to happen right now. i have to go to court in 7 days and all this other shit is being thrown on top of it. i told u all february was gonna be a bad month. i just knew it.i am so lost right now. |
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| argh...such an annoyance |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|01:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | manson concert video | ] |
my xanga was being slow as shit so i just said fuck it and came here instead. maybe this time i'll actually have something to write....today i was in a bad mood and i was at lunch when this teacher walks up to me and says "hey can u do me a big favor?" i looked at him and said with no expression "what?" and he said "flash me a big smile, you look down...." i said "i'm having a bad day." then as he walked off he said "hope your day gets better" well i had figured that i was showing my unhappiness and frustration outside so i was doing something wrong....shouldn't let the rest of the world know when i am unhappy because all they do is ask questions that i don't want to answer. so i put a neutral face on and went through the rest of the day....
i am so hoping that i can lose atleast 5 lbs before i have to go to court....it was weird because i woke up this morning with the most disgusting taste in my mouth and couldn't get rid of it....i ate a small piece of chocolate. somehow chocolate turns into chicken & a diet coke....*scratches head* i have been not caring for the past few days but now my mind is screaming at me to get back on track it's weird because when you read a book about anorexia and all the downsides u would expect to change your mind when they mention the headaches, dizzy spells, and all the other happy shit but for me it makes me want to lose more weight. i consider pain as a doorway. if i can still feel pain i know i am alive and if i know i am alive i know what i need to do since the world still sees me as a face.
finally got the book i wanted. ofcourse it's on anorexia and ofcourse it's one of those true stories. kind of thinspiration. they always say u get a better image through reading, it makes it seem more real and i like getting lost in the book and thinking that i am right there.... kind of an adventure for me since i have nothing else to do.
i get to pick my 10th grade schedule tomorrow and i want to take art & german along with chemistry and algebra 2. yes i am a smart ass and shut up because i don't give a shit what you think. unless you say something to insult my figure, weight or anything pertaining to my appearance....i am very self-conciouse(?) wow this is the longest entry i have done in a while....hey hey hey well i better stop before i start ranting....bee-byez |
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| it's a wonderful day in the neighborhood |
[Feb. 14th, 2005|03:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk....i wish | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rob zombie | ] |
i know the person sitting across from me....he rides my bus.....scary, i think he's stalking me. you know i have nothing to write in here because i write everything in my xanga....that's kind of sad but oh well. i think there is something wrong with my skin....when i ball my fists my knuckles look all weird and kind of like, a reptile or something. i am so disfigured....*tear tear* ummm i lost my train of thought because i was busy picking at my nails....
a pretty cut
will start a rut
about everything else but
that pretty cut....
i don't know i just needed to write something....well i think i'm done here....
"living dead girl" |
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